Take the Lead

It smells of wood floor and old building and I'm watching as the movement instructor whips around Aileen, a tiny woman with freckles in character shoes and a rehearsal skirt.

He says, "Dancing teaches men to learn to lead. In life as well. It's really too bad that more men don't learn."

I've often thought about that statement. In college I took ballroom dance and the more I think about it, the more I realize he's right. So here's my take:

Almost Everything(well not everything but a lot) that you need to know about life( well about relationships)you learn in Ballroom Dancing

Let's talk to the women first.

Women: Know how to follow.

Yes, yes, you're a Modern Woman and you can open your own doors, and you don't need anyone telling you what to do, and you know how to lead your own life without any help from anyone. But then you won't really be dancing, will you? It's a partnership and you need to let go of some of the control.

And, no, following doesn't mean that you do nothing and let the man do all the work. There's plenty of work for you to do and if you don't hold up your end of it the dance and your partnership becomes unenjoyable, can fall to pieces, and you won't be asked to dance again. Or, if you are, there's often dread involved.

Keep your frame. Of course, this goes for both partners.

Women need to make sure they're not clinging tight and floppy. No man wants a woman who doesn't give them some breathing room. And, in ballroom dancing, if the woman doesn't hold her frame it's hard to read your partner's lead. You lose the signals of where he wants to move you. I'll let you translate that into a life lesson.

If men don't hold their frame, they're basically not leading. Women want a man with a strong frame, not a push over. Men who don't hold their frames force women to take the lead. Plus, women need their own breathing room as well. The more a woman and man hold their own frame, the more gracefully they tend to dance together. Each giving each other room, each able to lead and follow. The more a man holds his frame, the easier a woman can follow him.

As in life, some of the skills that make a good follower: a slight anticipation of what the man is going to do with the ability to be flexible and change direction and go with the flow on a parsec if the man makes an unpredicted move. Sense your partner. Take your cues. Or let your toes pay the price when they're trampled upon by your partner.

We've already talked about holding your frame. Keeping your boundaries and making it clear. So if you feel a push/pressure you move with it instead of letting it slam into you. And yet, keeping relaxed enough in the rest of your body to enjoy the whole thing and look like you're having fun.

Keeping your head up. It helps you take in your partner, sure, but it also helps you take in the world around you so you know what's going on. Plus, it allows you to project emotion and attitude if you need to.

Know how to lead. Yes, that's right, a good follower knows how to lead as well as what it takes to be a good lead. If there's ever a time you're dancing with someone who doesn't know how to lead, you know how to do it on your own and make them look good. Plus, you can gently guide them or teach the next generation if you need to.

Support yourself. "What?" You say. But in all of those movies that show the guy dipping the damsel in a romantic flair have them totally laid back. Well, in real ballroom dance the lady holds her own weight on those dips. One leg may kick up but the other one is bent and holding up the majority of the weight. We know you can stand on your own, so we're asking you to do just that.

In fact, women should be able get into the dip position themselves and hold themselves up without their partner. Ahhh, like all magic tricks, it's about the illusion...(does it make you sad? It shouldn't. You're safer and your partner is safer that way. You're less likely to end up with your head hitting the hard floor and your partner is less likely to throw out his back.)

Trust your partner. No, it's not a super easy thing to do, especially if you don't know them. But the idea is to trust your partner until they prove themselves untrustworthy. Then you, being the great follower that you are, subtly take the lead, make him look good, and are gracious at the end of your dance.

Men, being a good lead means protecting your partner. Do you know what it's like to spend most of your time moving backwards, and basically blind?

Women rely on you to keep them from running into things & people, from getting hurt, from falling, from going in the wrong direction, from mixed signals and following a wrong lead. Women rely on you to be clear. To communicate what you're doing and what you plan on doing clearly. Subtlety in communication and signals leads only to confusion and possible mishaps. And it leads to mistrust - which can ruin your dance partnership as well as the dance itself.

A good lead knows where to go. He looks ahead while he is present with his partner. He understands the rules and patterns of the dance floor, and if he doesn't, he knows to ask and understand them before he takes a partner for a twirl. Knowing where you're going keeps you from stumbling into people and things and from causing a traffic accident on the floor. People can get hurt if you're not paying attention.

If there is an accident, you steer your partner clear and away from the mess. No rubbernecking, no sneering, Manners, dear Sir, and Lady, make up a large part of Ballroom Dance. And let me tell you, as a woman, that we appreciate men who have Manners. A lot. It's a lost art. We bow, we curtsy, we are polite and gracious and we treat each other with respect.


Be firm and clear in your communication. None of this wishy washy stuff. I can't say this enough. I know I mentioned it under protecting your partner, but it bears mentioning again.

If the man is not clear, he risks stepping on his partners toes, he risks giving a false lead and causing the woman to go off in a direction that can cause accidents, tumbles, etc., it's just not very pretty. And Ballroom dance is, in part, about performing with Grace, and being Social, and having Fun. Can you see the parallels to relationships and life gentlemen?

A good lead can bring the woman back if things get off track. If a woman misreads a lead and starts doing something the man did not mean for her to do, a good lead can firmly, and gently correct course all the while making her look good and making her feel good. You're in control. Like it was all a part of the dance.

A good lead is creative. Yes, as a lead there's a lot to juggle. But once you get the hang of it creative moves make it fun. It allows you to show your personality, your flair, your joy of life.

Creative moves keep the dance from getting predictable and boring for both you and your partner. And no, it's not up to the woman. The MAN leads.

The man can choose a move that has a little more flexibility that allows the woman to be creative too and show her own flair. But the man has to initiate the move.

All of this may seem overwhelming. After you get the hang of it, leading is quite a lot of fun. Ask any man who's done this for awhile. And there's nothing like being partnered with a good lead.

The relief of dancing and partnering with someone who is a strong lead, who adds creativity without being a dictator, is palpable. This is also true of getting a partner who knows how to follow and take cues. Then, the relief is followed closely with Joy. And in Joy and Fun both partners can really hold up their end of the bargain and surprising, entertaining, and memorable things happen. Yes, they do.

Just like in life.

It's all a Ballroom Dance.