Gender Disappointment from the child's side

"Why do you have a boy's name?"
I pause. "Hunh?"
"Your name, my friend has a son with that name. Your name is a boy's name."

It's my second trip to Taiwan and I'm here for my Grandfather's funeral. Asian funerals are long and drawn out. But that's another story.

My parents never hid the fact that they actually wished for a boy and got a girl. First with my sister and then with me. The only difference was they only planned for two children so I was supposed to be the last chance at a boy.

As a child, you take it in. Babies are very perceptive. More than a lot of people realize. The sense that something is wrong and it's your fault. But you have no control over it. And, of course, it's not really your fault.

Recently I had a conversation with someone on this topic and it was like a light bulb went off.

Now an adult old enough to have my own children; I can see patterns of constant apologies to other people for being who I am. It's not necessarily apologizing for being a girl but apologizing for the characteristics that make me - me. Things I really have no control over.

The sense that who I am is inadequate is something I've struggled against my whole life. That no matter how much I try to do the right thing whatever I do is wrong. Other more personal, specific issues that I won't discuss here have cropped up as well.

I'm not angry at my parents for feeling the way they felt. How you feel about something isn't necessarily something you can control. Also, much of that desire for a boy is ingrained so deeply culturally that I can see their point of view. Plus, they don't feel that way anymore. I know they love me as a girl.

Four years after my birth, an unplanned but very welcome surprise came. My baby brother joined our family to much joy and my parents got their boy. I got the brother I'd always wanted.

Recently, my sister and I went to China on a visit. We came across a shop that sold chops. Marble block stamps with a person's name carved into it that are often used as seals for artwork. My dad had one made for my brother when he was young on a trip to Taiwan. We asked for one and were told we couldn't get them because we were girls.

This shop had no qualms about selling us each one and it secretly made me jump up and down with glee knowing that I now had something that was at one time reserved for the male sex. I use it on a lot of my personal correspondence. Stamping it and looking at it makes me feel a sense of contentment. Like a whole history in one artistic red box.

"Your name is a very special name. Not a lot of people have this name. The character use is very, very, rare and very special," my dad says. I'm eight or nine and learning how to write my name in Mandarin. I look at it and smile. It's very special. And it's mine.