Sometimes, at work, when things are slow we begin to discuss the heavy topics. Politics, Life, Death, Love.
This past week we talked about love. Break-ups and the idea that there is more than one love for everyone. Why do you break-up? Why do you get married? Why do you choose to stay together?
Amongst the heated debate of twenty to fifty somethings a voice of a woman who's been married for 40 years distinguishes itself. And as she begins to talk quietly to one person amidst the raised voices throughout the room, people begin to turn. To listen. To be still and quiet because what she has to say goes straight to the core.
People nowadays break up for the littlest things. The problem is that everyone is looking for the best in their partner. They always are seeing the good things. What you need to do is look for the worst. The absolute worst thing that drives you crazy. And then, if you can live with that worst thing without the need to change your partner in any way. If you can accept that worst thing, then, get married.
There is silence after that. Everyone in their own thoughts.
I've heard from friends who've been married and divorced that the first year is the hardest. And that if you go in expecting a fairy tale of what marriage is, you'll never survive.
You have to go in understanding it's a partnership and take the gleam off of what your ideals are for marriage. Let the other person be imperfect. Don't put marriage or your partner or your image of what you're role is supposed to be on a pedestal. In doing that, you help keep the sanctity of it. That's the irony.
And when I mention this to the woman who is celebrating her 40th year of marriage, she says no. The hard part is from years 8 to 10. The first part is the honeymoon period. You don't really get to know the other person until after 10 years. If you pass that point, then you can't imagine living without the other person.
Another friend of mine, a Christian who has been married, says that the marriage vows are not something you can fulfill without God. That they are humanly impossible to keep unless you put God in the middle.
All I know is that Love and Marriage seem to be complicated. And they aren't always intertwined. I've seen plenty of marriages without love. It's painful. I've seen plenty of people in love that are not yet married, chose not to marry, or cannot legally marry.
It's timeless. It's Joy filled. It's pain filled. It's what it is. Defined differently by each person. And defined differently for each relationship. It's...undefinable actually. Ironic, isn't it?
